Well, nothing really is going on right now so I don't know what to write. Well, actually there is one thing. I signed up for all my classes next quarter. For this Winter Quarter, I took into account everything disasterous that happened last winter quarter; staying late at the college, in the cold, getting caught in the sprinklers and battling sigma between my personal life.

So, in order to solve this I signed up for Intermediate Algebra as a night class...wait...okay, this time I have night classes on Monday and Wednesday, morning classes on Tuesday and Thursday, and no class on Friday. Very convenient for doctor's appointments that happen to be on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Today while staying late at the library, doing math at the handicapped computer table, there was an older woman sitting next to me, her two kids wandering around her and taking up two of the other handicap-accessible computers. The woman was talking on her cellphone, evidently to a man who was trying to convince her over, and over, and over to stay the night with him. She ever so politely and with a hint of guilt in her voice told him that he hasn't given her what she needs in a relationship. Then she got off the phone with him. A couple of minutes later, she called him back - she called HIM back - and told him not to call her again.

Bree needs to give that woman a lesson in getting rid of a guy.

The world has no bleeping perspective and it is crazy. One woman with two children patching up her life going to college is barely avoiding getting with another man, while another is so paranoid thinking she'll suffer the fate of the first that she'll villainize a crippled girly boy as an abusive predator. Talk about extremes!

This woman was talking on the phone practically the entire time she was in the library - and when I stepped out to talk to my mom, someone had their stuff on my computer station and her daughter moved onto the other one, informing me that "Oh...I'm sorry, they told me to hold this one for them..." First off, there are signs at the station that say no stools, no sitting at these tables, they're for wheelchair access. Second, these were someone's kids taking up the computers, not students themselves...I mean, c'mon. All politeness owed to the little kids, I bet they were having fun.

I don't know how I came to the conclusion, but I realized that pity, or sympathy at my circumstance these days really is nothing. (And I don't recall ever asking anyone to pity me anyway, I'm in a wheelchair and pity is a taboo.) What I really emotionally wish for sometimes is mercy, at the understanding of people that I'm just getting into my skin after all the regressive surgeries, and the hormone treatment being finished, and now being in my second year of college when I should probably be graduating. But...it's a moot question. Because if I have to beg for mercy from someone, if I have to explain exactly why I deserve it, I don't think the person is worth it. Especially to ask for it from someone who I thought was my best friend. I don't want to be stuck justifying myself for the rest of my life, and someday, I hope to lose the compulsion to, that Bree left me with.

I think the gift of understanding that it is mercy that I want, is that I can give it to other people. Mercy doesn't need a reason to be given, and it benefits both people involved. Like potatoes.

I am really in pain. And I took a quarter of a Norco earlier, all it made me feel like is vomiting...but my back, my hips, shoulder, neck, and arms, in painful tandem. Perhaps I am addicted, and I can't take the average aches.

^ See, there. I just complained. I'm not seeking pity or sympathy for the above statements! When you read something like that, if your first question is, "How am I supposed to react to this?" you're thinking the wrong way...what I say about me applies to me.

Common misconception; crying out in pain is always a cry for attention. This is not true, or I would not scream EVEN LOUDER at neuropathy pains when I'm alone in the house, when nobody can hear or judge me for it. In fact, I seek to express pain frequently without the unwanted reaction of other people...because I have learned suffering people bother healthy people.

One of the things you learn, being handicapped.

- do Poetic Explication on "Maldive Shark". Not that hard.

- do History Notes, although it is always possible to do those during study break, and class doesn't really depend on them anyway.

Okay, why was I worried again?

And I have tomorrow to do Math and Grammar. Hm.

Okay, on the outside today, I've been pretty funny, and stable, if not slightly snappy.

Inside I've been absolutely bawling. A civil war broke out between the pro-Bree and anti-Bree factions after thoroughly "decoding" her letter. It occurs to me I have logically realized every single flaw in her "argument" and I could in fact present that to her,

,and it would solve nothing, except piss her off.

One side of me says that my spine has been fused to whatever it may, and my testosterone treatment has maxxed out, so I'm finally at my opus of maturity, and that if I was to maintain a relationship with Bree NOW would actually be the stable time to do so. Furthermore, I've developed the ability to shut up, so I can spare her of unwanted criticism and fights.

The anti side points out Bree's inherent flaws and maintains that she will never accept me again, due to the trauma she's sustained from knowing me, and possibly her pride and bad sportsmanship - and our connection depends on abusive measures. Ethically, argues the anti-side it would be more merciful to let the connection die and have us move on with our lives.

My rebuttal to that - the pro-Bree side, would be to say that abusive practices can stop. It would simply be unnacceptable for her to hit me, and she would have to accept that I can be a romance writer and I like to hang out with guys sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm a cheating pervert. I'd like to hope we're capable of changing without ripping each other's throats out over it.

The anti side points out that it's much easier just to let an ebbing friendship rest in peace rather than ressurect it with a treaty meant to change someone more than you've generally seen them adapt before.

My concluding statement has no answer to that, except to say, it's Bree. It's bleeping Bree, is it not worth it to take every, single, possible measure to try and save our friendship once I'm psychologically up to it?

The anti-side's concluding statement wonders if perhaps chasing Bree is not just a settlement, or a reoccuring reminder rather than a sincere emotion...cause it's not that bad being a bachelor, and Bree really was incredibly mean herself.

The jury is still out - the civil war continues. If we met serendipitously in public, I suspect it would be a sign, but the writing on the wall is still blurry on whether it's time to change and let old matters rest, or step up and save my best friend.

Well, my mom's friend Beth's mom, Lucy, died on All Saints Day, the day after Halloween. This is the lady the people at the hospital wouldn't take in because of the necrotic wound. Don't get all angry at the hospital though...I don't think that's why she died.

It's a trip for me. I only knew her...or knew of her, for about a half a year. My parents took her to doctors appointments in the wheelchair van. Once or twice I used the bus so my mom could do that...that's about all. And one time we went for Mexican food so I could meet her but I don't think she was too interested in me. She was more interested in her margarita.

Going to her funeral reminds me how quick I met her and then she died. Much like Baby Isabel. And then, for most of the ceremony, I was sitting right in the front, and they parked the wheeled casket perpendicular to the podium, so the end of it was like three feet from my face. I was just thinking through all the prayer, "Um...hi Lucy..."

I didn't have much to say. I've pretty much gotten used to just sitting there, looking handicapped and people automatically liking me because "I'm Casey".

The priest at the ceremony was so...priestlike...it was uncanny. I've never been to such a Catholic Funeral before. I felt sort of guilty not receiving the body of Jesus Christ at communion, you know? I honor Jesus in my own special agnostic way (as a prophet/philosopher/great man/perhaps son of God I'm not sure) but I don't specifically want some farm guy from Minnesota (a very nice farm guy from Minnesota) wearing white crosses to feed me wafers and wine...if I wanted to do that, I'd just have a gay wedding.

The whole dichotomy of it, the "eat - Jesus recieves you to heaven/don't eat - you're going to hell until you eat" sort of reminds me of the OCD I had when I was little. You know, if you don't wash your hands, or organize your shelf in this way, your soul's going to go to hell or your parents will die - I think maybe this sort of thinking is what started the whole idea of superstition in religion. Religion is great, don't get me wrong, but I'd want to make sure I'm bowing to the Lord above, not some demon in my head who's got a hold of my OCD-riddled brainstem.

You know, I think I want to work in some religion. It really fascinates me, and I'm growing my connection with God a lot these days.

Well, now that I just dissected and embalmed her religion - let's have a moment of silence for Lucy. May her soul rest in peace and may the Lord welcome her into his care.

After the reception at Acapulco my mother gave me the permission to try a half-virgin Margarita, which means...I might get to try some form of light alcohol soon. But I'm not going near beer. If anything, I'll go Mark's route and do Appletini's. Can't you just picture it...me and Mark...toasting the modern gay man's drink, Appletini's...?

I've used my inhaler like twice this morning and my lungs are still pumping maybe 2/3rds of the air I want...it looks like that fire in Chino yesterday gave me asthma.

It's not an emergency...but I'm just tired, and not enough air is getting to my head, I think. Oh well. And, I'm shaking. Since I took Norco the last two nights, a half each, I might be going through withdrawls...I dunno. My wallet cash is running out since I bought a graphing notebook, and if I want lunch I'll have to pay for it on my debit. I want lunch, to take my Valium pill with. And maybe eating something will help my shaking.

Or, my stomach could feel like throwing it up like usual. If I ain't sleeping on my kidney and disrupting a kidney stone, I'm sleeping on my good lung and ruining my breath all day.

Blogs and magazines are now all well aware and have passed their judgement on V, the first intelligent entertainment to cut through the hope rhetoric and question Barack Obama. (Finally.) Many are not happy, and call V "incoherent"...predictably.

Obama himself seems to be up on entertainment. I await his response from it too. Whether or not he is a good sport will be telling. He'll probably say, "We are of peace, always." and then laugh evilly. Aah, the era of anti-villains.

Apparently this series was produced by someone from Canada. Should have known; I have rarely seen a properly funded U.S. Republican who can intelligently take on Obama. This is really neat. It's like handing the Obama opposition support on a silver platter - my only question is, who's holding the silver platter again?

EDIT: Slate says it better than me. [link]

This new show on ABC is such a blatant allegory of the Obama campaign...right down to the fact:

-the "word" of hope is being spread through teenagers, to create understanding between humans and the visitors.
-in addition, the Visitors' website encourages them to tag, much like murals and hope messages of Obama are tagged and painted in the city
-We are peace, always; their rhetoric is simple.
-skepticism is beginning in the church.
-Anna handpicks a specific journalist to interview her. She tells him that he cannot ask any questions that will portray her in a negative light.

And, this is funny; the journalist doesn't understand what she is asking. He says, "That's not the way it works here." Bull...humans know all too well about portraying a politician in a perfect light. This is putting it in layman's terms.

"I'm not saying that we should distrust them...but shouldn't they have to earn our trust? Think about that."

This is the antidote, the exact problems about Obama's tactics - it's like the antidote was pre-prepared even! They had to have been working on this last year even. What does it say for the head of our media, ABC, to be able to so effortlessly tear down the very position it supported last year? This is shameless social engineering.

Wow, I thought ABC was in Obama's pocket. Or maybe they're releasing this to subvert the actual arguments against Obama; since people are becoming privy to the things he does, corporate support is cutting him loose, exposing the tactics of his campaign so they can get a new person in office to confuse people before they achieve anything in Obama's regime.

At least, that's what I'm thinking. XD

Actually I'm certain now. I'm not sure what group or political belief is behind the creation of this...blatant propaganda of a remake, but now enter:

Universal Healthcare. The Visitors spread hope by setting up "healing centers", which they hope to erect in every major city. So Anna's handpicked journalist, still idiotically confused, says, ..."universal health care?" "Yes."

And now, it has been revealed that the visitors are reptilians who have invaded every walk of life causing "unnessesary wars" and confusion in a grand plan that culminates in now, when they finally reveal themselves.

This is so transparent it's almost beneath me to sit here and decode it. It's so full of political talking points that I wonder who put it out...and why...but I know for sure who its intended audience is.

Conspiracy theorists...and Barack Obama critics. Why now? Why such a sudden backlash against the Obama administration just...one day less than a year from his election?

"Compromising one's principles for the greater good is not a shameful act, it's a virtue." - Anna's assistant.

The scary thing about this is, it's the real thing, it's the right sentiments, and it's a real, expert rebuttal...but it comes from the very corporatocracy that raised Obama...this really scares me.